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Antaine
Member Username: Antaine
Post Number: 1527 Registered: 10-2004
| Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 09:17 am: | |
So I've written a poem in the style of a Villanelle. I'm looking for someone(s) to check my Irish and be sure I didn't commit any grave errors. I had to do a few stylistic things: I occasionally separated the possessive "do" from words beginning with a vowel sound (do fhear), I did this for reasons of meter. There are one or two lines that do fall a syllable short, but I can't figure out how to fix that and still end with an acceptable word I bend the rhymescheme on the B lines (usually "e" but twice I used "ú") I used emphatic pronouns not only when I intended them, but occasionally for purposes of meter. Please let me know if you have any questions about what I intended to write in any stanza. Thank you. Idir an Dá Linn Idir an dá linn, Tá tú ag súil do fhear athrú. Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin. Nach mbeidh sé, tá fhios againn Ach anois ní admhaíonn tú. Idir an dá linn, Cloisim ar do ghuth chomh binn Is feicim do fhoirm is áille Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin. Ná tabhair tú aon aird ar é sin; Tá mo chroi bocht an-bhriste Idir an dá linn. Do chroí féin ag briseadh freisin Ach nach bhfuil tú ag glacadh domsa Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin. Lá éigin, d'fhádfá an fear sin Agus togróidh tú mise. Ach idir an dá linn, Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin... |
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Aonghus
Member Username: Aonghus
Post Number: 11505 Registered: 08-2004
| Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 09:38 am: | |
"Tá tú ag súil do fhear athrú. " Ní thuigim! Tá tú ag súil fear eile a fháil, nó go n-athródh d'fhear? "Cloisim ar do ghuth chomh binn" ? ní thuigim an "ar" anseo. I hear the influence of something in your voice, or I hear your voice? Ná tabhair tú aon aird ar é sin; "Ach nach bhfuil tú ag glacadh domsa " ag glacadh liomsa? (Accepting me, or accepting for me?) "Lá éigin, d'fhádfá an fear sin " Ní thuigim. |
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Antaine
Member Username: Antaine
Post Number: 1528 Registered: 10-2004
| Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 12:38 pm: | |
"Tá tú ag súil do fhear athrú. " hm…aontaim leat. Ba mhaith liom, "you hope your man will change" nó "you hope your man has changed" nó "you hope to change your man" (a dhroch-iompar) "Cloisim ar do ghuth chomh binn" Is botún "ar" ansin. "Cloisim do ghuth chomh binn"…tá dhá siolla de dhíth orm anois… Ná tabhair tú aon aird ar é sin; cén fáth fág an "tú"…"you do not notice"? "Ach nach bhfuil tú ag glacadh domsa " ag glacadh liomsa? (Accepting me, or accepting for me?) "Accepting me" Liomsa? "Lá éigin, d'fhádfá an fear sin " "someday, you will leave that man (him)"…hm…b'féidir atá na modh coinníollach mícheart. "Fágfaidh tú eisean lá éigin"? |
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Aonghus
Member Username: Aonghus
Post Number: 11506 Registered: 08-2004
| Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 02:33 pm: | |
d'fhadfá a chuir ar strae mé. Beidh orm mo mharana a dhéanamh air. |
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Aonghus
Member Username: Aonghus
Post Number: 11507 Registered: 08-2004
| Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 03:13 pm: | |
Idir an dá linn Tá tú ag súil go bhfeabhsóidh d'fhear Beidh mise ann duit Ní tharlódh sé, is eol dúinn sin Ach níl tusa á admháil Idir an dá linn Cloisim do ghuth ró bhinn Is feicim do chló is áille Táimse ag fanacht ort Ní thugann tú aon aird ar sin Tá mo chroí bhocht an-bhriste Idir an dá linn Do chroí féin ag briseadh freisin D'ainneoin níl tú ag glacadh liomsa Fanfaidh mise ort ansin Lá éigin fágfaidh tú an fear sin Agus roghnóidh tú mise Ach idir an dá linn, Fanfaidh mise ort ansin...
Is dócha go bhfuil an meadaracht scriosta agam; níl cluas agam dó. |
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Antaine
Member Username: Antaine
Post Number: 1529 Registered: 10-2004
| Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011 - 01:42 am: | |
grma. I'll have to toy with it a bit when I have more time and see if I can restore the rhyme scheme. oíche mhaith anois! |
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Clash
Member Username: Clash
Post Number: 16 Registered: 05-2011
| Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011 - 03:55 am: | |
Antaine, Dán grá suimiúil ab ea é. Go n'éiri an t'ádh leat le do chuspóir. |
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Antaine
Member Username: Antaine
Post Number: 1530 Registered: 10-2004
| Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011 - 07:08 am: | |
...le cúnamh Dé... go raibh maith agat, a Chlash. A |
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