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The Daltaí Boards » General Discussion (Irish and English) » Archive through June 03, 2011 » Poetry double-check « Previous Next »

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Antaine
Member
Username: Antaine

Post Number: 1527
Registered: 10-2004


Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 09:17 am:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

So I've written a poem in the style of a Villanelle. I'm looking for someone(s) to check my Irish and be sure I didn't commit any grave errors. I had to do a few stylistic things:
I occasionally separated the possessive "do" from words beginning with a vowel sound (do fhear), I did this for reasons of meter.

There are one or two lines that do fall a syllable short, but I can't figure out how to fix that and still end with an acceptable word

I bend the rhymescheme on the B lines (usually "e" but twice I used "ú")

I used emphatic pronouns not only when I intended them, but occasionally for purposes of meter.

Please let me know if you have any questions about what I intended to write in any stanza. Thank you.

Idir an Dá Linn


Idir an dá linn,
Tá tú ag súil do fhear athrú.
Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin.

Nach mbeidh sé, tá fhios againn
Ach anois ní admhaíonn tú.
Idir an dá linn,

Cloisim ar do ghuth chomh binn
Is feicim do fhoirm is áille
Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin.

Ná tabhair tú aon aird ar é sin;
Tá mo chroi bocht an-bhriste
Idir an dá linn.

Do chroí féin ag briseadh freisin
Ach nach bhfuil tú ag glacadh domsa
Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin.

Lá éigin, d'fhádfá an fear sin
Agus togróidh tú mise.
Ach idir an dá linn,
Fanfaidh mise leatsa ansin...

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Aonghus
Member
Username: Aonghus

Post Number: 11505
Registered: 08-2004


Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 09:38 am:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

"Tá tú ag súil do fhear athrú. "

Ní thuigim! Tá tú ag súil fear eile a fháil, nó go n-athródh d'fhear?

"Cloisim ar do ghuth chomh binn"

? ní thuigim an "ar" anseo. I hear the influence of something in your voice, or I hear your voice?


Ná tabhair aon aird ar é sin;

"Ach nach bhfuil tú ag glacadh domsa "

ag glacadh liomsa? (Accepting me, or accepting for me?)

"Lá éigin, d'fhádfá an fear sin "

Ní thuigim.

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Antaine
Member
Username: Antaine

Post Number: 1528
Registered: 10-2004


Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 12:38 pm:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

"Tá tú ag súil do fhear athrú. "

hm…aontaim leat. Ba mhaith liom, "you hope your man will change" nó "you hope your man has changed" nó "you hope to change your man" (a dhroch-iompar)



"Cloisim ar do ghuth chomh binn"

Is botún "ar" ansin. "Cloisim do ghuth chomh binn"…tá dhá siolla de dhíth orm anois…



Ná tabhair tú aon aird ar é sin;

cén fáth fág an "tú"…"you do not notice"?



"Ach nach bhfuil tú ag glacadh domsa "

ag glacadh liomsa? (Accepting me, or accepting for me?) "Accepting me" Liomsa?



"Lá éigin, d'fhádfá an fear sin "
"someday, you will leave that man (him)"…hm…b'féidir atá na modh coinníollach mícheart. "Fágfaidh tú eisean lá éigin"?

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Aonghus
Member
Username: Aonghus

Post Number: 11506
Registered: 08-2004


Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 02:33 pm:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

d'fhadfá a chuir ar strae mé.

Beidh orm mo mharana a dhéanamh air.

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Aonghus
Member
Username: Aonghus

Post Number: 11507
Registered: 08-2004


Posted on Friday, May 20, 2011 - 03:13 pm:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

Idir an dá linn
Tá tú ag súil go bhfeabhsóidh d'fhear
Beidh mise ann duit

Ní tharlódh sé, is eol dúinn sin
Ach níl tusa á admháil
Idir an dá linn

Cloisim do ghuth ró bhinn
Is feicim do chló is áille
Táimse ag fanacht ort

Ní thugann tú aon aird ar sin
Tá mo chroí bhocht an-bhriste
Idir an dá linn

Do chroí féin ag briseadh freisin
D'ainneoin níl tú ag glacadh liomsa
Fanfaidh mise ort ansin

Lá éigin fágfaidh tú an fear sin
Agus roghnóidh tú mise
Ach idir an dá linn,
Fanfaidh mise ort ansin...



Is dócha go bhfuil an meadaracht scriosta agam; níl cluas agam dó.

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Antaine
Member
Username: Antaine

Post Number: 1529
Registered: 10-2004


Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011 - 01:42 am:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

grma. I'll have to toy with it a bit when I have more time and see if I can restore the rhyme scheme. oíche mhaith anois!

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Clash
Member
Username: Clash

Post Number: 16
Registered: 05-2011
Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011 - 03:55 am:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

Antaine,

Dán grá suimiúil ab ea é.


Go n'éiri an t'ádh leat le do chuspóir.

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Antaine
Member
Username: Antaine

Post Number: 1530
Registered: 10-2004


Posted on Saturday, May 21, 2011 - 07:08 am:   Small TextLarge TextEdit PostPrint Post

...le cúnamh Dé...

go raibh maith agat, a Chlash.

A



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