A chairde,
Could anyone help a poor student trying to translate some Australian Aboriginal stories into Irish?

I mainly need some kind soul to check what I have so far; I'll put up what I've done, and would gladly accept constructive criticism...


Title: When the snake bites the sun.
Teideal: Nuair cailgtear an nathair nimhe an ghrian.

Nóta:
Bhunú an leabhar seo ar scéal a dúirt le David Mowaljarlai, den treibh Ngarinyin, go páistí Bundúchasaigh ina gconaí sna Kimberley, an Astráil Thiar. Thógáil na léaráideanna óna bpictiúir na scéal.

Text/Téacs:
Fadó, fadó, sa Thoir, ar chúl an domhan, bhí beirt grianta ina gconaí. Grian mháthair ramhar agus grian iníon beaga. Chónaigh siad i lomáin folmha.

Tháinig siad amach solas a thabhairt don domhan, ach shoilsigh iad chomh fíochmhar agus chomh fada go raibh thosú gach aon rud a dóigh. D'éirigh an talamh loscadh. Thráigh na sruthanna...

Tell me what you think...Any help will be hugely appreciated..

Is mise le meas,
Fintan

Nuair a d'alp an nathair nimhe an ghrian

Tá an leabahr seo bunaithe ar scéal a d'inis David Mowaljarlai, den treibh Ngarinyin, do phaistí bundúchasacha atá ina gconaí i gKimberley, an Astrail Thiar. Tá na learaidí bunaithe ar phictiuirí san scéal.

Fadó, fadó, san Oirthear, ar chúl an domhain, bhí beirt grian ina gconaí. Ba Grian-mháthair mór ramhar agus grian iníon beag iad. Chónaigh siad i lomáin folmha (should this really be plural, and do you mean hollow trees?)
Tháinig siad amach chun solas a thabhairt don Domhan, ach shoilsigh siad chomh fiochmahr sin gur lasadh gach rud. Loisceadh an talamh. Thráigh na sruthanna....

A hAonghus, a chara,
Go raibh míle maith agat, maith an fear tú féin!
I'll be back soon with more...I'd like to discuss this project (translating Aboriginal children's stories) with you when I have more time....

Your servant,
Fintan

The more translation from non Anglo Saxon sources, the better!

I have two children to read to, so keep up the good work.

A hAonghus, a chara,

Go raibh maith agat arís. Cúpla rudaí....

I need the title (and the whole book, for that matter) to be as literal a translation as possible.. the title given is "When the snake bites the sun", so I was thinking along the lines of 'Nuair bain(tear?) plaic an nathair nimhe as an ghrian.'...?

As to the 'foreword'....I think I need to use .."..ina gconaí sna 'Kimberleys'..."..since the Kimberleys are a (plural) mountain range in Western Australia. And, I was trying to say..."The illustrations are taken from their [the children's] pictures of the story."

Yes, 'lomáin' as in 'trees or logs' as each of the two suns resides in a seperate log.

I need to say "...but they shone so fiercely and FOR SO LONG that everything began to burn up. The ground became scorched."....and...."The animals began to die of thirst"....

Is mise le meas,
Creag 'Fintan' Batty

"When the snake bites the sun"
What I gave you is
"Nuair a d'alp an nathair nimhe an ghrian "
which would be "When the snake bit the sun"
bites in this context confuses me a bit! Does this mean the biting happens more than once? i.e. a bit like the way the moon waxes and wanes?

sna Kimberleys is probaly fine.

""The illustrations are taken from their [the children's] pictures of the story." "
How about:
Siad na paistí sin a dhear na learaidí

Tháinig siad amach chun solas a thabhairt don Domhan, ach shoilsigh siad chomh fiochmhar agus chomh fada sin gur lasadh gach rud. Loisceadh an talamh. Thráigh na sruthanna..
Fuair na hainmhithe bás den tart....

A hAonghus, a chara,

Maith agat arís, a chara. Is ea, the context is (I believe) rather relevant to the natural cycles, i.e: the waxing and waning of the moon, and of course, the rising and setting of the sun. So, I feel that what I may be looking for is a grammatical tense that my skills are as yet unable to name. The habitual present maybe?

Would you mind if I keep posting what I have so far bilingually? You help is greatly appreciated.

An scéal:

Fadó, fadó, san Oirthear, ar chúl an domhain, bhí beirt grian ina gconaí. Ba Grian-mháthair mór ramhar agus grian iníon beag iad.

Long, long ago, in the East, behind the world, lived two suns. A big fat mother sun and a little daughter sun.

Chónaigh siad i lomáin folmha. Tháinig siad amach chun solas a thabhairt don Domhan, ach shoilsigh siad chomh fiochmhar agus chomh fada sin gur lasadh gach rud.

They lived in hollow logs. They came out to give the world light, but they shone so fiercely and for so long that everything began to burn up.

Loisceadh an talamh. Thráigh na sruthanna... Fuair na hainmhithe bás den tart...

The ground became scorched. The rivers dried up... The animals began to die of thirst

An ghrian-mháthair, faoin am seo, d'éirí í chomh ramhar go níor raibh ábalta uirthi fáisc as a lomáin.

The mother sun, by this time, had got so fat, that she could no longer squeeze out of her log.

Amhlaidh, chuir sí amach a hiníon ina haonar.

So, she sent her daughter out alone.

Roll an ghrian beag trasna na bhfairraige chun Marungi Biddi Biddi - oileán an áit a chónaigh beirt fear.

The little sun rolled across the sea to Marungi Biddi Biddi - an island where two men lived.

Ba fear maith an ceann, a raibh thug aire do na beirt grianta ina gconaí. Ba fear olc an ceann eile.

One was a good man, who had always looked after the two suns.

Ruaig an fear olc an ghrian beag, agus phrioc sé í leis a sleá.

The bad man chased the little sun, and poked her with his spear.

Ba eagla uirthi go mharódh sé í agus fhágáil an domhan i ndorchadas.

She was afraid that he would kill her and leave the world in darkness.

Amhlaidh, d'imigh leí isteach i spás a éalú uaidh, ag éirí níos teo agus níos teo agus a dhreap sí.

So, she took off into space to escape him, getting hotter and hotter as she climbed.

Ach thuas ansin sa spéir, in ard thuas an talamh, bhí nathair ina chonaí. Bhroid sé chuici go tobann... agus bhain plainc aisti.

But up there in the sky, high above the earth, lived a snake. Suddenly he rushed at her... and bit her.

Bhfuel, that's all I've done since last night, and I've a small way to go yet......

Hope you enjoy the scéal, despite my poor grammar...

Le meas,
Fintan

When the snake bites the sun - Nuair a alpann an natháir an ghrian

Bhí an grian máthair eirithe chomh ramhar faoin am seo nach raibh sí in ann í fhéin a bhrú as an lomán níos mó.

The mother sun, by this time, had got so fat, that she could no longer squeeze out of her log.

Mar sin, sheol sí a hiníon amch lei féin.

So, she sent her daughter out alone.

Rothlaigh an grian beag trasna na mara chuig Marungi Biddi Biddi - oileán ar a raibh conaí ar bheirt fhear.

The little sun rolled across the sea to Marungi Biddi Biddi - an island where two men lived.

Ba fhear maith duine acu, a thug aire don da ghrian i gconaí

One was a good man, who had always looked after the two suns.

Chuaigh an droch fear sa tóir ar an ngrian beag, agus phrioc lena sleá í.

The bad man chased the little sun, and poked her with his spear.

Bhí eagla uirthi go maródh sé í, agus an domhan a fhágail dorcha.

She was afraid that he would kill her and leave the world in darkness.

Mar sin, d'ealaigh sí uaidh isteach sna flaitheas, ag eirí níos teo agus níos teo de reir mar a strap sí

So, she took off into space to escape him, getting hotter and hotter as she climbed.

Ach thuas ansin san spéir, go hard os cionn an domhan, bhí conaí ar natháir. Thug sé fogha tobann fuithi, agus d'alp í.

But up there in the sky, high above the earth, lived a snake. Suddenly he rushed at her... and bit her.

go neirí leis an obair
Aonghus